Tiny Baby

Well little Mr. Tiny Baby arrived at our home Monday afternoon right from discharge from the hospital.  We had to cut off his arm and ankle bands.  He is so sweet I can't even use words to describe it.  Jamie is just as smitten with him as we are.

So what is the plan for this little man's life?  We are really uncertain right now, however things are pointing towards him being placed with a sibling that was previously adopted.  So, unless something about that situation changes or was misunderstood by my agency, then he will probably only be with us a few weeks.

We are just taking it one day at a time, enjoying him and marveling at the perfection of God's creation.  Our home is always open for any child to stay forever.  However, our arms are open to God's perfect plan for each child and often (as we are learning) that is for us to be a stop on the road but not the final destination.

We are enjoying all the wonders of a newborn baby.  The lack of sleep is not even effecting me yet.  I am sure it will catch up soon enough.

The only challenge we have right now with Tiny Baby is that he was small for gestational age so we are on a two hour feeding schedule to get some weight on him.  Other than that, no issues at all.  

Super quick update

We got a call today to foster a newborn boy.  He was born Friday and weighs 5 lbs 8oz.  We know only a little about his situation and it could be for a few weeks or forever.  Praying God's will over his little life.  We don't even know his name.  CPS should call us in the morning to let us know what time he will be arriving.

We are excited and nervous.  Pray for us.  Headed to bed for the last full night of sleep I will see for a while :-)

Reverse Nesting?

So baby J left Friday.  At first I kind of moped around the house.  Then I got this burst of energy.  It was really odd but I had to reverse nest.  We had just experienced a leaving not a coming.  I cleaned her room, removed all the bedding, put all the clothes away, took the swing and exersaucer out of the living room, rearranged the living room furniture, took the car seat out of the SUV... literally put away everything that was out only for her.

It felt weird but it also felt right.  I think this was my way of grieving.  Mentally I needed some closure.

But I also edited a beautiful photo I took of her Friday morning to print and display proudly in our home.  She will always be a part of us, she just isn't ours.

Jamie and I are headed to visit Grandpa and Mema this week. It will be a relaxing trip with no agenda other than to continue to build relationship.  Our agency will place us back on the opening list Friday.

Another chapter closed

Sweet, sweet baby girl left our home this morning.  The drop off went really well.  Her Mom and Grandmother were there to receive her.  I am at peace.

God really has done a number on my heart since adopting our son.  He has shown me in so many ways that this has nothing to do with us.  It is all about the children.  Don't get me wrong, when you love and let go there will be some hurt.  But God is bigger than our pain and is there for us to run to for comfort.  We are just so blessed that He allowed us to be a part of Baby J's story.

Russell Moore had a great blog post this week here that really helped me keep a proper perspective.  This doesn't just apply to adoption, but to foster care as well.  He say's

"Love of any kind brings risk, and, in a fallen world, brings hurt. Simeon tells our Lord’s mother, the Blessed Virgin Mary, that a sword would pierce her heart. That’s true, in some sense, for every mother, every father. Even beyond that, every adoption, every orphan, represents a tragedy."

So true.  But LOVE is what we are called to do.  I want to be honest with you all here.  Fostering was a tragedy that we learned mightily through before we adopted our son.  We thought we could save the world and that the only thing that mattered was love.  We were naive and did not establish appropriate boundaries for ourselves.  We truly overestimated our capabilities.  But once we refocused and allowed ourselves to admit that we had limitations, we were free to love and be loved and to serve these children well.   He talks about the commitment by saying:

"We need a battalion of Christians ready to adopt, foster, and minister to orphans. But that means we need Christians ready to care for real orphans, with all the brokenness and risk that comes with it. We need Christians who can reflect the adopting power of the gospel, which didn’t seek out a boutique nursery but a household of ex-orphans who were found wallowing in our own blood, with Satan’s genes in our bloodstreams."

So we move forward into the next chapter with eyes wide open and a heart tied to God's command to care for orphans.

Who was I kidding?

Okay, so my head knows all the right things to say and feel about foster care.  I know this so well that I have actually convinced my heart that it will not hurt when baby J leaves. Yesterday, my little charade fell apart.

My head had me convinced that she might cry when I picked her up yesterday after he long weekend with her family.  Boy was I wrong.  She was so happy and excited to see us.  She was all smiles and giggles.  When I picked her up she buried her head in my shoulder and hugged my neck.  Needless to say, when I got in the car to drive away (after the family was out of sight) I lost it.  The tears just came like a flood.  The emotions I had been holding at bay since day one finally bubbled to the surface.  I love this girl.  She loves us.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know her family loves her and that she loves them.  This is not about that in any way.

I honestly thought that we could foster children, God's amazing gift, and not fall madly, deeply in love.  But honestly, what good would we be if we didn't?

The weekend

Baby J will be going for a weekend visit with her grandparents.  We just found out today.  I am doing laundry and packing clothes.  The weird thing is that nothing seems real right now.  It doesn't feel like she is really leaving us.  It also doesn't feel like I am no longer working outside the home.  I guess it takes some passage of time to make change seems really real.

I am not sad.  I know this is the first step in her being reunited with her mom.  I know her mom really loves her and has admittedly had her eyes opened by this experience.  I have had the pleasure of getting to know her a little bit.  I am blessed that we have had this openness in our relationship.  I am here to serve baby J and the best way for me to do that is to be a resource to her mom after she goes home.

I am sure things will feel more real when we do our bedtime routine tomorrow and it's just for Jamie.  Or when we wake up on Saturday and only have breakfast as a family of three.  Or walk to the park without the stroller.

She will be back in our home by Sunday night.  CPS tells me that if kinship placement does not take place this week then she will spend next weekend with them as well.  She should be permanently transitioned by the following week.

Decisions Decisions

I am conflicted.  Here are some facts

• Baby J is still with us.
• CPS tells us that she will be going to a kinship placement no later that next week.
• I am officially done with working outside the home
• We have one opening right now.
• We could open our profile for a newborn now.

So now the questions...

• Do I make the call to our agency today to adjust our profile?
• Do I wait until baby J is gone?
• Do I wait until November so that my son and I can travel to see family and take a little break?

Join me in prayer about this.